Things That Make You Go Hmmmm.

There are Caregivers and there are Caretakers, and yet the two words are not opposites. Why is this?

Here's Some Fun

Just keep calling telephone numbers at random and yelling, "Get off the line!"

Gimme A Burger

Have you noticed that many restaurants can't simply say "cheeseburger" on the menu? They have to get cute and over-descriptive? Well, why not go along with them? Why not use the menu's own language when you place your order? But if you do, you must do it right; no fair reading directly from the menu. Instead, you must memorize the exact description given of the item you've chosen, and then look the waiter directly in the eye as you say:

"I'll have the succulent, fresh-ground, government-inspected, choice, all-beef, eight-ounce, charbroiled sirloin patty, served on your own award-winning, lightly toasted sesame-seed bun, and topped with a generous slice of Wisconsin's finest golden cheddar cheese, made from pure, grade A, premium milk recently extracted from a big, fat, smelly cow infected with flesh-eating bacteria." See if that doesn't get you good service.

But before the waiter leaves your table, ask for a glass of water. Say, "Would you mind bringing me a clear, cylindrical, machine-crafted, moderate-capacity, drinking vessel filled with nature's own colorless, odorless, extra-wet, liquid water?" This really ticks them off.

Donation

Dear Mother,

How are you? I am fine. I tried to donate my liver to science but they wouldn't take it. Next time I'm going to add some sauteed onions and a light sauce. I'll let you know how it goes.

Love Ya!

Mike

Cloned

If you had yourself cloned, who, exactly, would be your parents? Can you raise yourself? I guess so. And it might be fun. Just think, by the age of six you'd be driving yourself to school.

True Fact:

The Professional Bowlers Association sanctions a tournament called the Odor Eaters Open. It's probably because of all those rented shoes.

Mike's Book Library - You've Got To Read These!

These were supposedly written by Ted L Nancy; but I swear that if you'll read them, you'll quickly come to the conclusion that Ted is Jerry Seinfelds alter ego.

Get One Now!

Get one now! Everybody has one! They're almost gone! New! Super-delux! Jumbo! Handy! Portable! Lightweight! Convenient! Collapsible! Prewrapped! Easy to use! Guaranteed! Available in all sizes! In Designer Colors! Get one now! Won't rust tarnish! Won't blister, crack or peel!
But it will cause tumors.