A good motto to live by:

"Always try not to get killed."

True Fact

I read that there's a rich couple in the Hamptons on Long Island who have palm trees on their property, and in the winter they fly the trees to Palm Beach to get them out of the cold weather. I can't help but wonder how they treat their servants.

It's Possible

Unbelievably, a goldfish can kill a gorilla.
However, it does require a substantial element of surprise.

The Day Before Yesterday

We ought to have a name for the day before yesterday. Dayforeday? Yesterforday? Why don't you guys come up with something and get back to me.

...Finish Your Sentences?

Stan: Why do you always...

Dan: ...finish your sentences?

Stan: Yes, it's something that's...

Dan: ...been bothering you for a long time?

Stan: Yes.

Dan: Well, it's a habit that started in grade school. When the teacher called on another kid, sometimes the kid would start to answer and then get stuck. So I would supply the rest of the answer.

Stan: And this habit has stayed with you...

Dan: ...ever since that time.

Stan: But there must be something you can...

Dan: ...do about it? The only thing I could do about it would be to find some person who might be willing to...

Stan: ...finish your sentences?

Dan: Yes, if I could just find someone to finish my sentences...

Stan: ...it would put a little balance in your life?

Dan: Right.

Stan: But why does it have to be someone else? Why couldn't it be...

Dan: ...the same person? Why couldn't the same person whose sentences I finish...

Stan: ...be the same person who finishes your sentences?

Dan: I don't know. Let's ask this...

Man: ...man over here. What can I do for you fellows?

My Trainer

I have an impersonal trainer. We meet at the gym, we don't talk, he works out alone and I go home.

Who Knows?

A: "I don't know. Or at least I don't know if I know. And I don't even know if I care to know if I know."

B: "I don't know what you mean."

A: "You know, I mean I don't know what I mean. You know what I mean?"

B: "What do you mean you don't know what you mean? I don't know what you mean."

A: "I mean, you know, I don't know."

B: "You don't know? You mean that?"

A: "I don't know."

FYI

This morning I had a great idea, but it was too late to put it into the blog. I just wanted you to know this is where it would have gone.

Fruits or Vegetables

When you drive into California from Las Vegas they have an agricultural inspection station where they ask you if you have any fruits or vegetables with you. And they just believe whatever you tell them. What's the point of that? You know what I'm gonna do? The next time my brother needs to take a trip down there, I'm going to put a Yam in his glove compartment; just to see what will happen.

Goodnight Tyler

I come from a large family, and sometime the "tuck the kids in" fell to the older brothers. This is how we would tuck in our four-year-old brother Tyler.

"I came up to say good night and tuck you in, Tyler. You had a big day so make sure you get a good night's sleep. And don't forget to watch out for the Boogie Man. Remember what I told you about the Boogie Man? He beats up little boys. What do you think, Tyler? Is the Boogie Man here in your room, hiding somewhere? Is he in the closet? Is he going to jump out and beat you up when I leave the room? He might; you never know."

"Maybe he's under the bed. He likes to hide there too. He might claw his way through the mattress and beat you up. Don't let him beat you up Tyler."

"I'm going to turn out the lights now and leave you alone in the dark. All by yourself. And I don't want to hear a pep out of you. If I hear any noise coming out of this room, I'm going to come up here and beat you up. Try to get a good night's sleep. By the way, I saw a monster walking up and down the hall last night. The monster had a piece of paper in his hand with your name on it."

"Goodnight Tyler."

Regrets

I have no regrets in life; Although I am kind of sorry I never got a chance to beat a guy up while wearing a tuxedo.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm.

There are Caregivers and there are Caretakers, and yet the two words are not opposites. Why is this?

Here's Some Fun

Just keep calling telephone numbers at random and yelling, "Get off the line!"

Gimme A Burger

Have you noticed that many restaurants can't simply say "cheeseburger" on the menu? They have to get cute and over-descriptive? Well, why not go along with them? Why not use the menu's own language when you place your order? But if you do, you must do it right; no fair reading directly from the menu. Instead, you must memorize the exact description given of the item you've chosen, and then look the waiter directly in the eye as you say:

"I'll have the succulent, fresh-ground, government-inspected, choice, all-beef, eight-ounce, charbroiled sirloin patty, served on your own award-winning, lightly toasted sesame-seed bun, and topped with a generous slice of Wisconsin's finest golden cheddar cheese, made from pure, grade A, premium milk recently extracted from a big, fat, smelly cow infected with flesh-eating bacteria." See if that doesn't get you good service.

But before the waiter leaves your table, ask for a glass of water. Say, "Would you mind bringing me a clear, cylindrical, machine-crafted, moderate-capacity, drinking vessel filled with nature's own colorless, odorless, extra-wet, liquid water?" This really ticks them off.

Donation

Dear Mother,

How are you? I am fine. I tried to donate my liver to science but they wouldn't take it. Next time I'm going to add some sauteed onions and a light sauce. I'll let you know how it goes.

Love Ya!

Mike

Cloned

If you had yourself cloned, who, exactly, would be your parents? Can you raise yourself? I guess so. And it might be fun. Just think, by the age of six you'd be driving yourself to school.

True Fact:

The Professional Bowlers Association sanctions a tournament called the Odor Eaters Open. It's probably because of all those rented shoes.

Mike's Book Library - You've Got To Read These!

These were supposedly written by Ted L Nancy; but I swear that if you'll read them, you'll quickly come to the conclusion that Ted is Jerry Seinfelds alter ego.

Get One Now!

Get one now! Everybody has one! They're almost gone! New! Super-delux! Jumbo! Handy! Portable! Lightweight! Convenient! Collapsible! Prewrapped! Easy to use! Guaranteed! Available in all sizes! In Designer Colors! Get one now! Won't rust tarnish! Won't blister, crack or peel!
But it will cause tumors.